Randoms Thoughts

I'll Be - The Goo Goo Dolls

2006-12-05T16:59:00.000+11:00

The person who this song is for knows who they are.

I'll Be

The strands in your eyes
That color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains
Thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows
Of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival
You're my living proof
My love is alive and not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows
Of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
I've dropped out
Burned up
Fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in
Turned on
Remembered the things you said
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when
I'm olderI'll be the greatest fan of you life

Sleep is good.

2006-11-29T08:19:00.000+11:00

And its not until you haven't had any that you realise just how good it actually is. I must stop going out on school nights. Went out for dinner last night with Harn and then partied with her & Chris till all hours. Very very very fun but I am paying for it in a big way today. 22 days and I am off work for 4 weeks and I will be able to sleep all I want! Wahooooo

It's been a while...

2006-11-21T09:39:00.000+11:00

Since I posted anything on this blog. I have so much to say, but so few words to explain it all. First off - Bronte want to put me into hospital. According to them I am "grossly underweight" and keep going down every week. My dietician was calling my shrink yesterday to see if he will section me. I don't believe I need to go. I don't want to go. But if going into the Austin Hospital for a month or more is going to make me better, then maybe I do need to go. I feel like I can't tell anyone what is going on. I can't tell my friends because they are all like "JUST EAT" - if it was that easy, do you really believe I would be in this situation right now. A good friend who I went to school with has just moved here from Sydney, and she is really good with the whole thing. She has pretty much said if I want to be friends with her, then she is not putting up with this shit, and I need to deal with it and tackle all my issues. Because I have known her since we were 12, it's like she has a right to say to me what everyone else wants to say. The only difference is, is that I actually listen to her.

Another one bites the dust

2006-10-30T10:57:00.000+11:00

Do you ever get the feeling that there is something so inherantly wrong with you, that you have a sign on your head saying "treat me like shit, I am used to it"
Things went pear shaped with Chris. He couldn't even give me a reason as to why he thought "it would be more grief than pleasure"
This makes me feel like absolute shit. Why can't I just meet a nice guy who actually likes me for who I am. What am I doing wrong?
I just can't even stand the sight of myself at the moment.

Anas Song

2006-10-25T11:28:00.000+10:00

Please die Ana
For as long as you're here we're not
You make the sound of laughter
and sharpened nails seem softer
And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow
Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you
Imagine pageant
In my head the flesh seems thicker
Sandpaper tears corrode the film
And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow
Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you
And you're my obsession
I love you to the bones
And Ana wrecks your life
Like an Anorexia life
Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you
Open fire on the needs designed
Open fire on my knees desires
On my knees for you

For Kathryn....(NOT a love song dedication to you)

2006-10-18T17:14:00.000+10:00

I know how much importance we place on song lyrics. I thought these were quite nice. I hope you can make sense of them! If you don't understand its about what we were talking about this afternoon on msn....you will know the right one in your heart.

Maybe I'm Amazed - Jem

Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Love Me All The Time
Maybe I'm Afraid Of The Way I Love You
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Pulled Me Out Of Time
And Hung Me On A Line
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way I Really Need You
Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe I'm A Lonely Girl
Who's In The Middle Of Something
That She Doesn't Really Understand
Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe You're The Only Man
Who Could Ever Help Me
Baby Won't You Help Me Understand
Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe I'm A Lonely Girl
Who's In The Middle Of Something
That She Doesn't Really Understand
Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe You're The Only Man
Who Could Ever Have Me
Baby Won't You Help Me Understand
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You're With Me All The Time
Maybe I'm Afraid Of The Way I leave You
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Help Me Sing My Song
Right Me When I'm Wrong
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way I Really Need You
Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe I'm A Lonely Girl
Who's In The Middle Of Something
That She Doesn't Really Understand
Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe You're The Only Man
Who Could Ever Help Me
Baby Won't You Help Me Understand

Whoopsidaisies

2006-10-17T15:46:00.000+10:00

Ok, so Chris is Swedish, not American.
How the fuck did I mix that one up? At least he can laugh about it.

To buy or not to buy

2006-10-16T10:42:00.000+10:00

That is the question. We have the Caulfield Cup this weekend, and our company has a marquee. I am still contemplating whether or not to buy a new dress. I have one that I wore to the work Christmas party that I could wear, but I just can't get over the whole "everyone has seen it before" thing. I can do a really quick random shop on Friday night, but then knowing me I will spend over $300 on a dress that I will really only wear once. I never go to any other functions that require "cocktail" attire. I really am in a quandry.

Good times

2006-10-13T14:11:00.000+10:00

I am having so much fun at the moment. Had the best night last night (aside from an altercation with my cousin who is the devil incarnate) Saw Kaine, caught up with Cassie & Nick from Amber Room and just had a fun night. The weekend is also shaping up to be quite good. Have a 21st tonight which should be fun. Am meeting a guy called Chris that I met at the party (if he shows up after his dinner thing) He is so hot. And American too. Nice. All in all I am just feeling really good. Speaking your mind and getting things off your chest is very liberating. I intend to live my life that way now. I am not holding back anymore for fear of what other people might think or say about me. I have done that for way too long and am just not doing it anymore. Why should it be ok for others to voice their opinions to me, but then not accept mine. And to be quite honest, if you don't like my opinion I dont really give a crap. I am just going to live my life by my own rules instead of follow everyone elses.

Love Song For No-one

2006-10-12T11:37:00.000+10:00

staying home alone on a Friday
flat on the floor looking back on old love
or lack thereof
after all the crushes have faded
and all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded I hate it
I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
searching all my days to find you
not sure what I'm looking for
I'll know where when I see you
until then I'll hide in my bedroom
just staying up all night just to write a love song for no one
I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away
I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
you'll be so good
you'll be so good for me
I know you'll be so good for me

The wheel is falling off

2006-10-10T15:12:00.000+10:00

I am feeling very out of sorts at the moment. All my friends (well most of them) have boyfriends, and I am just the odd one out. This was further enhanced on Friday night when I went to stay at Kaths. I thought I was going there, we were going to drink beer and watch tv and maybe go out. I arrived and she said she was going to get Kam. That is fine by me. I have no problem spending time with them, and I know that if I was in a relationship she would be the same. When Kam arrived, he barely said two words to me and made me feel really uncomfortable. When I said something to my friend, her response was "you can go home if you want." That cut me like a knife. That was it, right there. The line had now been drawn between boyfriends and friends. I felt like bursting into tears and would have gone home if I could have. That one remark made it clear to me that really at the end of the day, if I feel uncomfortable around other people then I am the one that has to leave. I ended up spending the whole weekend at home after that. I am so happy for her that she has Kam because I know how much she loves him. But at the same time, I feel like I am slowly being pushed aside, little by little, and will eventually end up fading into the distance. I know I am overreacting, but I was really hurt and upset and just felt that my opinion wasn't worth anything at the end of the day. He made me feel that uncomfortable by not talking to me that I couldn't even eat. I hate feeling like that. Yet I was the one who was told that I could go home if I wanted too? What about saying something to him? I am not holding this in because if one of my friends felt like this, I would want to know. I need to put it into a blog though because I feel like I can explain it better and without ruining a friendship at the same time.

One Last Chance.....James Morrison

2006-10-04T16:07:00.000+10:00

In my life I don't mean much to anyone
I've lost my way can't go back anymore
Once I had everything now it's gone
Don't tell me again coz I've heard it all before
Some people say that i'm not worth it
I've made mistakes but nobody's perfect
Guess I'll give it a try I've got one last chance to get myself together
I can't lose no more time it's now or never and I'll try to remember who i used to be
I've got one last chance to get myself together
The time has come for me to change again
I can't carry on like this, I will lose my friends - don't say that you have given up on me.
Just give me the time and space to heal my head
I don't wanna be misunderstood
I've got to take this chance and make it into something good

I'm scared.

2006-10-04T15:56:00.000+10:00

I was extremely sick yesterday with stomach cramps. I have never suffered from these before, and I was actually on the floor crying in pain, scrunched up in a ball. I couldn't move. I have also had bad pain in my kidneys for a while now. It is constantly there - its just the severity of the pain that differs. Sometimes its just a dull ache. Other times it is a sharp stabbing pain. I went to the doctors yesterday and told him. He made me lay on the bed they have, and made me do all these breathing exercises while he pushed on the area of my kidneys. He then did the same to my liver and I actually yelped when he pressed on it, it hurt so much. He is now making me get kidney & liver ulstrasounds and a series of blood tests. I always worry about the outcome of tests when I have to have them. I immediately think the worst. What if I need a kidney transplant and have to be on dialisys my whole life? What if my liver needs to be taken out? These are the stupid, inane things that go through my mind. And I have nobody I can talk to about this. I can't speak to my mum, she is sick herself and doesn't need me burdening her. I would never talk to my Dad - we dont have that kind of relationship. And I also refuse to burden my friends with any more of my problems. I seem to have been doing enough of that lately to last me a lifetime. So I will go along, full steam ahead on my own. Forgive me if I am short with you. Or if I am rude to you. I am just scared out of my wits and don't know what to do about it.

Am I too trusting?

2006-10-02T10:19:00.000+10:00

It takes me a long time to trust people. Boys in particular. They can break your heart like it's going out of fashion. But friends....it takes a lot for me to lose my trust in my friends. This is happening to me at the moment. I could be totally on the wrong wavelength, and accusing someone of something that they didnt do, but something just isn't adding up. I stayed at Kaths last night. Whenever I stay there, I sleep on the fold out couch, with my bag next to me. I noticed this morning that $40 had gone missing from my wallet. I know for an absolute fact that it wasn't Kathryn and it wasn't Annmarie. I also know for a fact that I did not spend this money. I went to the shop and bought a bottle of red wine and some twisties, but paid for this on my credit card so didn't use any cash. When I looked in my wallet this morning, the $40 that was in there last night was gone. Vanished. It wasn't in any other pocket of my bag. It wasn't in my jeans pockets. It wasn't in my car. It had just disappeared. That leaves one person who could possibly have gone into my bag and taken it out. In all honesty, I don't believe that she could have done it. Maybe I just don't want to believe that one of my friends could do something like that. Maybe I did spend it, or put it somewhere else. I just don't know what has happened. It wasn't until Kath reminded me this morning, that this is the second time that money has gone missing from my wallet at her house. I can't accuse someone of something unless I have 100% guaranteed proof that it was them. And I don't have that right now. At the moment I am just very confused. Money doesn't just vanish - especially when you spend the night at home, watching television.

Save Me

2006-09-28T14:14:00.000+10:00

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the dumbest of them all
Insecurities keep growing
Wasted energies are flowing
Anger, pain and sadness beckon
Panic sets in in a second
Be aware it's just your mind
And you can stop it anytime

Its just so hard

2006-09-28T12:50:00.000+10:00

I have promised myself so many times that I will never let my eating problems take over my life. Yet this is a promise I continue to break to myself. It has also gotten beyond the point now of just breaking promises to myself, but to my friends and family. I have no idea what life is like without this constant voice in the back of your head telling you not to eat. That food is bad. That if you eat Hungry Jacks, you can't eat for two days to make up for it. When I was really sick, all I was eating was a piece of toast in the morning and a bagel with light cream cheese & ham for dinner. I moved to Melbourne three weeks before my Dad. In that time I lost quite a bit of weight. I remember my Dad trying everything he could in his power to make me eat. One night he took me to a Japanese restaurant because he knew I liked sushi. I ordered some tuna sushi rolls. When they came out, the tuna was raw and I had an absolute fit. I was crying my eyes out, yelling and screaming at him in the middle of the restaurant, and he had to drag me out of there. I look back and think, you crazy fucking nutbag. Imagine what everyone else would have been thinking? And that comment right there, is my downfall. I care too much about what other people think of me. I feel like I need to be perfect in every way possible for people to like me. I feel that if I put on weight, people won't want to be my friend, won't want to go out with me, and all sorts of stuff like that. I need to learn to accept my downfalls. Accept my mistakes. Take criticism on board - not as a personal attack, but just as something you need to work on. What is the definition of perfect? Nobody is. I don't think anyone can be. And even though I can rationalise that thought and know it isn't possible, this negative mind of mine will say that I can be perfect if I dont eat. If I lose weight. I feel as though if I waste away then maybe people will pay attention to me. People might like me if I look extremely thin and gaunt. I put weight on when I was in Edinburgh and that absolutely destroyed me and turned me into a crazy person. It also didn't help that I was in a fucked up relationship which made me feel 100 times worse about myself. So, whats the moral I am trying to get to here. Be yourself. Don't change for anyone. Don't think you are anything less than anyone else. Because the chances are, people are going to like you more when you don't put up a facade and pretend to be someone that you are not. Nobody can pretend forever. Even perfect people stuff up.

I Might Be Wrong

2006-09-27T15:34:00.000+10:00

I might be wrong
I might be wrong
I could have sworn
I saw a light coming home
I used to think
I used to think
There is no future left at all
I used to think
Open up, begin again
Let's go down the waterfall
Think about the good times and
Never look back
Never look back
What would I do?
What would I do?
If I did not have you?
Open up and let me in
Let's go down the waterfall
Have ourselves a good time
It's nothing at all
Nothing at all
Nothing at all

Bulletproof.......I Wish I Was

2006-09-27T12:26:00.000+10:00

Limb by limb, tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me
Every day, every hour I wish that I was bullet proof
Wax me, mould me
Heat the pins and stab them in
You have turned me into this
Just wish that it was bullet proof, was bullet proof
So pay the money and take a shot
Lead-fill the hole in me I could burst a million bubbles
All surrogate and bullet proof
And bullet proof And bullet proof And bullet proof

Multiple Choice

2006-09-27T10:36:00.000+10:00

Proposal - You need to give $500 every fortnight to your mother who pays all your bills and looks after your finances. On one such week when you decide that you can spend the money on something better do you :

a) Spend $389 on a shirt
b) Spend money on your car which hasn't had a service in a year and it sounds like the wheels are going to fall off when you drive it
OR
c) Just do a) and forget about everything else.

I think I might go back to Joanne the psychic and ask her for the winning lottery numbers.

It is all staying in.

2006-09-26T15:10:00.000+10:00

I have decided not to share anything that goes on in my life with anyone anymore. I am sick of people thinking they are right and judging me. I am not just talking about my eating. I am talking about every single facet of what happens with me. I have to listen to everyone else, say the right things, not let things out when I want for fear of hurting people, but nobody seems to pay me the same respect. There is one set of rules for everyone else and one set of rules for me. So lets just say I have made up my mind about what I want to do and I am going to put my plan into action extremely fast. At the moment I don't even know if I want to say goodbye.

Silver.....Josh Pyke

2006-09-25T16:01:00.000+10:00

Oh no, what have I done, all of these stitches have split one by one
Oh now I see the design, the intricate framework to which i align
All my anguish and my happiness, but I got not time for this mess
Come down, come down with me, to check on the ashes of my history
I can't leave them alone, but sometimes I wish they would rot down below
But on the contrary, these fires flourish in me.
And I lay just 'fore I wake and you catch the sun and throw it down on my face
I know you're plotting my course, still influencing my dreams silver seahorse
I feel the mixture in me, fire and water musical ubiquity
And I know you're never quite there, satisfaction eluding you like clean air
One day I'll float on the tide, silver seahorse on a string mirrors the sky
I'll be alone on the sea, waiting for the sky to engulf me.
But out here alone on the night, my silver seahorse reflecting the light
I flash the ray 'cross the sea, hoping this beam still connects you to me
I know the tides changing my course, but I'm still the one who believes in my silver seahorse
But on the whole, or on the contrary, it's not alright, alright.
And falling through defects and consequential loss, it's not alright, alright.

I need a helper monkey....

2006-09-20T13:04:00.000+10:00

To make decisions for me. I would have to be THE most indecisive person on the face of the planet. I have been offered another job. Working as a PA/Marketing person, for a property development company. Only problem is, is that their office is situated approximately three doors down from where my office is now. I have worked for Asian Pacific for 4.5 years (5 in February) I am not moving up any corporate ladder. I am not going anywhere. I feel that in the position I am currently in, I am just used as the "go to person". Lets "go to" Erin when we fuck up and make her take the blame. Lets "go to" Erin when we need someone to come in at 7am to perform disconnections. I basically cop everyones shit jobs. So why do I feel such a strange sense of loyalty to this company, that I can't take a job down the hall from them, let alone be in the same building as them? I have wanted out of this position for SO LONG. Now my opportunity has come and I don't know what to do. Watch this space.

......

2006-09-19T15:07:00.000+10:00

I have this cousin. She is my age, an absolute bitch and she also works in my building. My hatred of her has grown over the years after she has done numerous things to me and my family in her quest for world domination and to tear everyone apart. The funny thing is though, is that I would never wish my eating disorder upon her. No matter what she does, how f*cked up she gets, or the copius amounts of highly amusing lies she tells, I can never ever wish for her to suffer as I have. I would never wish this upon my worst enemy. Imagine growing up your whole life, thinking that you aren't good enough, aren't thin enough, aren't pretty enough etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and never ever stops. You can always be better at SOMETHING. It doesn't matter what, but you are never really good enough at anything that you do. Someone said to me on the weekend that they wouldn't set me up with their roommate because "we are definately not suited and are total opposites". I have taken this criticism to mean that "you are not good enough for him, never will be so lets just forget it." Maybe I am jumping to conclusions. Maybe I have taken him completely the wrong way and he really did just mean that we are different people. It has just reinforced what I think about myself and really highlighted that you know what, maybe I will just never meet anyone that I am good enough for.

Urgh.

2006-09-18T08:24:00.000+10:00

My posts have become few and far between over the past couple of weeks. I don't know if that is because I can't be bothered, or if I really just have (shock horror) nothing to say. I am thinking it is a combination of the two. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment. One part of me is just so fed up with crap and I can't take being here anymore. I just want to get on a plane and fly the hell out of here. The other part of me wants to stay because I know that I am going to be needed by so many people. Why am I always making decisions based on what other people want or expect of me? I don't say what I think most of the time for fear of upsetting people, yet when the situation is reversed, people really don't seem to give a crap what they say to me and whether it is going to hurt or upset me. If I were to be truly selfish, I could get on a plane tomorrow, go to Perth and just let things sit and see where the chips fall. Maybe sometimes you need to be selfish to get ahead.

Let Him Fly

2006-09-11T16:15:00.000+10:00

Ain't no talkin to this man
Ain't no pretty other side
Ain't no way to understand the stupid words of pride
It would take an acrobat, and I already tried all that so
I'm gonna let him fly
Things can move at such a pace
The second hand just waved goodbye
You know the light has left his face
But you can't recall just where or why
So there was really nothing to it
I just went and cut right through it
I said I'm gonna let him fly
There's no mercy in a live wire
No rest at all in freedom
Of the choices we are given it's no choice at all
The proof is in the fire
You touch before it moves away
But you must always know how long to stay and when to go
And there ain't no talkin to this man
He's been tryin to tell me so
It took awhile to understand the beauty of just letting go
Cause it would take an acrobat, I already tried all that
I'm gonna let him fly
I'm gonna let him fly
I'm gonna let him fly

You Could Be Happy

2006-09-11T15:28:00.000+10:00

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

Its five years ago to the day that I got back from Scotland. And away from Mark.

Mondayitis

2006-09-11T08:18:00.000+10:00

I don't think I have been this tired on a Monday for a very long time. And for once, the weekend isn't to blame. Maybe Thursday & Friday are. I went out and hit it on Thursday night and stayed at Kaines house and went to bed at 5.30am. Friday night I went out with Kath, Leah & Kam to Brunswick Street, then when we got home Bonnie was awake so we stayed up watching a movie until 4.30 or something. I was a wreck by Saturday night so decided to drive for the first time in my life. It actually felt really good not being able to drink for once. Then I slept for 14 hours straight on Saturday night. I love my bed. Now here I am again at work for another week. Mum is going into hosptial tomorrow to have her operation. Its a pretty major one and she will be in there for 5 days. I didn't actually realise how serious it was. We have to buy IV poles and put them in the bathrooms all over the house for when she comes out - and they have to stay there forever. It will be like living in a hospital. I am pretty worried about her. I know she will be fine, but she will be pretty much incapacitated for a few weeks. Thats why Nan had to come over from Perth. You always know something is up when Nan comes to stay.

I know its getting old

2006-09-07T13:16:00.000+10:00

But the only way that I seem to be able to express things that have happened, or are on my mind are through song lyrics. I am going through a bit of a Fiona Apple thing at the moment. One song called 'Not About Love' just reminds me so much of how my ex boyfriend made me feel. How he still has this enormous power over me through things that he said and things that he did, and I can't seem to shake the feeling that I am not good enough and never will be good enough for anyone. His total lack of respect for me and my self esteem left me shattered and I am still trying to get over it to this day. I hate the fact I have let him turn into myself and just not trust or believe anyone. For me to be able to move forward I need to get my power back and stop letting him hurt me, like he does every single day with the memories that go through my mind. Anyway this is just a small section of the song which I can really identify with. If you have ever been cheated on or been in a physically volatile relationship you will be able to relate to this as well.

What is this posture I have to stare at
That's what he said when I'm sittin' up straight
Change the name of the game 'cause he lost
And he knew he was wrong but he knew it too late
But I'm not being fair
'Cause I chose to listen to that filthy mouth
But I'd like to choose right
Take all the things that I've said that he stole
Put 'em in a sack
Swing 'em over my shoulder
Turn on my heels
Step out of this sight
Try to live in a lovelier life
This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I cant stop falling out

Dont I hold you.....by Wheat

2006-09-06T09:27:00.000+10:00

don't i hold you like you want to be held
and don't i treat you like you want
and don't i love you like you want to be loved
and you're running away
and what's your name
like i'm in the way
don't i hold you like you want to be held
don't i please you like you want
and don't i love you like you want to be loved
and you're running away
and what's your name
like i'm in the way
and wasting too much time
don't idon't i hold you like you want

I just don't think.

2006-09-04T13:23:00.000+10:00

My best friend posted on her blog an entry about my eating disorder and how it affects her. This was a real eye opener for me. I have never thought about how it affected anyone else around me. That is the selfishness that comes with living with this disease. You feel as though you are the only person in the world that you are hurting, and because you are hurting yourself it doesn't matter. The more weight you lose, the more damage you do - it is all about you and thats what the illness craves. I don't think about the fact that my mum can't sleep most nights out of worry for me, that my whole family gets shocked when I go back to Perth because thats when they really see how sick I have become or how much weight I have lost since I last saw them. That my friends also suffer from this illness because it takes over my life, which therefore affects them. I don't see that when I lose weight they worry about me. That when I don't eat they worry about me. I am so self consumed in my own self hatred and loathing that I forget about the bigger picture. I forget I am hurting everyone else too. I am so sorry because I don't want to hurt anyone else. All I can think about is hurting myself.

Life is Better with You

2006-08-30T14:56:00.000+10:00

Hey whatever happened to you last night
We thought we lost you there
Those long days
And long long nights
They keep you up inside
Stay awake all night talking about our friends
It never ends
Always do it when we're drunk
I just need some kind of meditation
Keep my feet from
Falling off the ground

Life is better with you

See the people on the street
Hear the sound of defeat
It just seems to me we know too many people
It makes the ones we love seem great

Life is better with you

It happens all the time
The people pass you by
Like everyone you knew
They are changing through and through
You really didn't think it would last
But that's all in the past

Life is better with you

See the people on the street
Hear the sound of defeat
Like everybody that you know
Say they all want you to go

The psychic...

2006-08-29T17:40:00.000+10:00

I need to get all of this out. I am going mental in my mind thinking about what this psychic said to me. She was so specific about things it was just out of control. First off she said that I need to let go of my ex boyfriend who was emotionally and physically abusive towards me - he used to hit me and cheated on me numerous times. She said the person I have already met will not cheat - he is a great guy, makes me laugh and the relationship has great staying power. She also said he is taller than me and built - muscly arms. She was so specific on the arms. I can think of two people that could be, especially since she said I already know them. Then she said "female relative - evil bitch." My cousin - told everyone in my building about my eating disorder and made up a shit load of lies about me and told everyone. She then started going on about my eating and how I am at the end of it. THEN she channelled my Pop & friend who was killed in a car accident. The things she was saying about both of them are stuff that she never could have known (she is a medium as well as a psychic) I cannot stop thinking about these things and its driving me mental! It was incrediable and I cannot describe the experience. Especially getting messages from my Pop & Locky. That had me in tears. She told me my Pop has my two babies with her - two little boys, which I will have in 4-5 years (thank god not now!) It will be interesting to see what I have now. If anyone wants to go let me know - this chic is awesome.

Ohmygod

2006-08-27T20:18:00.000+10:00

I went to a psychic today. She was so brilliant, I cant even begin to tell you how good it was. Apparently I have met a guy who is "big" (as in built) and we are going to have babies. This is Tyson all over. Or it could be someone else. I will be stoked with either!

For one person only

2006-08-14T18:47:00.000+10:00

You know who you are. I want to take you back to 2003. Sitting around with your ma & other people, drinking Stella and listening to our good friend, Mr Jack Johnson. I remember smoking with your Mum & we had a good chat. She was a great great lady. I think thats when I also took to calling her Mum! So, take your seat, put those headphones on and get on this tune - Bubble Toes. I love you and am always here. See you soon. xoxo

It's as simple as something that nobody knows
that her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes
on the feet of a queen of the hearts of the cards
and her feet are all covered with tar balls and scars
It's as common as something that nobody knows
that her beauty will follow wherever she goes
up the hill in the back of her house in the would she love me forever, I know she could
I remember when you and me mmm how we used to be just good friends
Wouldn't give me none But all I wanted was some
She's got a whole lot of reasons She cant think of a single one
That can justify leaving and he got none but he thinks he got so many problems
Man he got, too much time to waste
His dreams are like commercials
But her dreams are picture perfect and
Our dreams are so related though they're often underestimated
It's as simple as something that nobody knows that
Her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes
On the feet of the queen of the hearts of the cards
And her feet are infested with tar balls and La da da da da da
Well I was eating lunch at the D. L. G.
When this little girl came and she sat next to me
I never seen nobody move the way she did
Well she did and she does and she'll do it again
When you move like a jellyfish
Rhythm don't mean nothing You go with the flow You don't stop
Move like a jellyfish
Rhythm is nothing You go with the flow You don't stop
It's as common as something that nobody knows that
Her beauty will follow wherever she goes
Up the hill in the back of her house in the wood
She'll love me forever, I know she would
If you would only listen
You might just realize what you're missing You're missing me
If you would only listen You might just realize what you're missing You're missing me
It's as simple as something that nobody knows that
Her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes
On the feet of the queen of the hearts of the cards
And her feet are infested with tar balls and scars

Over and out

2006-08-13T19:21:00.000+10:00

Another weekend over and another Sunday night sitting here thinking that I wish I was far far away from Melbourne. I am seriously considering moving back to Perth. I want a summer free of crap, driving from beach to beach, surfing with my friends and hanging out at the Cott. I can't say how much I am missing it right now. So to help myself wallow, I am indulging in the melancholy tunes of Something For Kate. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss being able to go to the beach and watch the sunset. I miss knowing that my friends know exactly where I am when I am upset or depressed (I will always be at Cott beach) I miss being able to spend all day lying in the sweltering heat with Jen and then going to the Cott afterwards for some well deserved beers. If I won the lottery, I would love to buy a beat up old VW, shove surfboards on the top and just drive down to Margs & Dunsborough and do nothing for months on end. Maybe some fruit picking if we needed more cash, but hopefully my lottery win would save that from happening. I am out of place. I have itchy feet. I want OUT. My other option is to save my ass off (which I have kind of started to do) and go to Peru and spend some quality time with Chris. Although, getting him to take time out from his chiropractic clinic could deem impossible. Just shoot me and get it over with.

Weekend!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-11T11:43:00.000+10:00

So the weekend is here again! Party time. My friend (Kirril if you read it, its Maids) has gone into labour today and I am so excited for her. I know she will be in the most extreme, unimaginable pain right now, but once its over she will be so very very happy. I reckon she is having a little boy. She didnt want to find out so I have bets on that its a boy! Other than that, not much else to tell. I bought a thingy today that you plug into your cigarette lighter in your car so you can listen to your Ipod. Its awesome! I just feel like driving around all the time now. I am also celebrating some good news. After months and months, I am finally back in my safe weight range!!! I don't know what it is, as they wont tell me, but all the staff at Bronte are really pleased with me. Finally all the heartache, tears and pain are just fading away and I am getting back to who I really am, without this illness taking control. I haven't been myself in a very very very long time so its interesting trying to find out where I fit in. I will never ever let myself get back into the throws of anorexia. I have lost myself to it and the bastard doesn't deserve to be let back into my life. Pity that I cant apply the same to men.

Enlightenment.

2006-08-09T14:26:00.000+10:00

I just finished watching Elizabethtown. This is the only movie in the history of the world that has made me cry. Why? Because I can relate to it. There is one scene where they talk about being 'substitute people' in relationships. That is completely always me. I am always the substitute person for someone until they can find someone better and move on. And me....well I just sit back on the sidelines hoping that one day I will meet someone who will stick around for a little longer than 4 months. Does that happen? Has that happend? No. I moved to another fucking country to "marry" someone who ended up treating me like shit, and other things that I won't go into on this blog, so I had to come home. His name was Mark. Now I have something against Marks. Then there was Sam. Who took me to a wedding then broke up with me a day later. His reason? "I am not happy" Well boo fucking hoo, you could have told me that before we went to a wedding together. After being together for what was my longest relationship. I dont want to settle down and get married right now. I want to meet someone that lasts longer than a minute. I can blink and they are gone. I have met one person in my life who has stayed constant. Never on more than a friendship level, but no matter what I say or do I know they will always be there for me. I love them. Maybe that is all I am destined for. To be a friend and a substitute.

"Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart and steal your crown
So I've started out, for god knows where
I guess I'll know when I get there"

Weekend is over again

2006-08-07T13:46:00.000+10:00

Not that I am complaining. I have another week off work cos of my wrist. Met a HOT guy on Friday night. He would have to be the most gorgeous guy I have ever met in my life. Went to Holliava for Kaths friends birthday and it was loads of fun. Then Kath & I met her friend at First Floor and a girl tried to strangle me. Seriously. She called Kath a fat whore twice, so I went up to her and next thing I know she has her hands wrapped around my neck. I didnt even touch her and I was like "ok...psycho bitch let my neck go now before i kill you"
Saturday night we had Kaths brothers birthday which was fun. I got accosted by this disgusting older man so wore a ring on my wedding finger to pretend I was engaged and then took one of her brothers mates hostage to pretend he was my boyfriend so the guy would leave me alone! Now I am back to being in pain. Listening to Jem. I love that cd. Its awesome. Anyway that is all.

Pain.

2006-08-02T09:44:00.000+10:00

Im in pain Im in pain Im in pain. I want to chop my wrist off. The third operation to "cure" my wrist and I reckon they have bunged it again. My fingers are a funny colour and they hurt to move. Well the index finger feels like its being ripped off every time i move it an inch forward or backwards. I have about as much movement as I did when I got the plate put in and it just hurts. I know its only been a week but I am getting seriously pissed off with surgeons who think they are helping you, only to make things worse. I am thinking of talking to a lawyer about the botched job the initial surgeon did on my wrist. I dont care if it was his fault or not that metal pieces were imbedded in my muscle and so it had to be taken out. The fact is, he put in a plate that was way too big, then when it came to me having to have it taken out he goes "Yes, this was too big, I have stopped using this make and model of plate because of what has happened to you" Those were his exact words. IF IT WAS TOO BIG WHY PUT IT IN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU KNOB.
Anyway, I went to Chanel yesterday and bought a cool wallet. Is it bad to spend $680 on a wallet? I also went and bought myself an ipod on the weekend. Credit cards are a bad bad thing.

More lyrics...

2006-08-01T20:10:00.000+10:00

This seems to be the only way I can get my feelings out at the moment. I'd like to thank Something For Kate for writing this song - This is the Life For Me.

This is the life for me

Domestic bliss and trapdoors
Where have I been
A step from this falling elevator
This speeding train
Crawling down the freeway just to start
To start it all over again
My tired eyes, come crashing down
To fall
Fall on my feet
Fall on my feet again
Set myself free
Set myself free and then
Make me believe
Make me believe again
That this is the life for me
We stand in line but secretly
We’re crashing in to the desert
Brilliantly
Our burning eyes can barely pass out the light
We go so quietly like silent blinding flashes of lightning
Striking down
Down at our feet
Down at our feet again
Set ourselves free
Setting us free and then
Make us believe
Make us believe again
That this is the life for you and me
Tonight I will dream
Tonight I will dream
That this is the life for me.

The simple things in life are often the best

2006-07-26T11:50:00.000+10:00

I could be on a Special K ad right now. Have realised for the THIRD time how hard it is to do things one handed - with your left hand, when you are naturally right handed. Like typing. This is taking ages. Opening jars, going to the bathroom, making toast (putting vegemite on it) etc. Hopefully this operation will be the last and I will have no more trouble with my wrist. Went into hospital yesterday and had the calcification taken out of my wrist. Bad thing is tha the doctor also found shards of metal from the plate, had to take muscle out and some of the bone was black so that also had to be taken out and all sent off to pathology. Lucky I had the operation because imagine if my whole arm bone turned black and I ended up with a stump. That would not have been good. I came out of the anaesthetic and was absolutely convinced that my two friends, Penny & Kathryn were in the operating theater with me with a six pack of carlton draught giving me beers at the end of it. So I asked the nurse and she laughed and said sadly no, that didn't happen. I am now listening to the Scissor Sisters self titled album and I love it. It is awesome. Laura is a great song. I also love filthy gorgeous.
I will end this here but just want to send a massive congratulations to my friend Kirrily and her husband Steve on the safe arrival of their gorgeous baby girl, Lauryn Renee. Good work guys!!

Count backwards from ten....

2006-07-23T13:45:00.000+10:00

I am going into hospital on Tuesday for yet another operation on my wrist. I woke up today really nervous. I don't know why. I know that it is routine to send the calcification bits they are removing off for a biopsy, but what if they find something? I am just being overly paranoid, but I still always think "what if"...
A good family friend of ours was feeling sick one day during her exams, went to the doctors and had tests and it came back that she has an extremely rare form of leukemia and was put straight into hospital for chemotherapy and stuff. She needs a bone marrow transplant now and the future for her isn't looking good. She has a 40% chance of survival. She is only 18. Her brother is donating his bone marrow for the transplant which I think is wonderful. I can only hope that she fights it and gets better. My parents were at a wedding in Perth with them last weekend and their mum said that she is getting sicker each week. It just breaks your heart.
Meanwhile, I am addicted to sudoku and I am so bad at playing it.
Went to the footy yesterday and watched my beloved Eagles get beaten by feral Collingwood. So all in all it was a very uneventful weekend. I may not be able to write another blog for a while as I wont have the use of my right hand, but I will try. What else am I going to do for two weeks while I am off work?

The beginning....

2006-07-20T20:46:00.000+10:00

This is a letter which I sent to the principal of my old primary school. Once you read the letter, you will understand what I am talking about. The fact that the principal didn't even acknowledge that he got the letter pisses me off, but I am glad I sent it. Here it is, for your viewing pleasure.

20th November, 2005

Dear Sir

Let me introduce myself to you. My name is Erin Macauley and I am a 24 year old girl, now residing in Melbourne. I am orignally from Perth, so spent all my formative years being educated under the “guidance” of the Education Department. I spent years 4-7 at Davallia Primary School.
Now let me introduce my head to you. I don’t have a name for ‘it’, but ‘it’ was also with me throughout my whole education. Even before I started school, ‘it’ lay dormant in my psyche, waiting for the perfect opportunity to woo me into its way of thinking and the promise of a better life.
Incase you haven’t guessed, ‘it’ is an eating disorder. I was already born with the gene that exposes you to hypersensitivty and anxiety. I didn’t choose anorexia. It chose me. Lets call it the loaded gun. The perfect opportunity for ‘it’ to come out was throughout primary school and high school where I was mercilessly bullied, by teachers, parents & students. With all of this going on inside my head and not knowing what to do about it, bang. The gun went off. I was then not in control of my life and gave everything up to this harrowing & relentless disease, that would tell me I would be a better person if I listened to the voice I heard in my head. This voice is so harrowing and relentless that to this day, 12 years later, I am undergoing intensive treatment to finally regain control of my life and lift this huge black cloud that has settled permanantely over my life.
You may be wondering why I am writing this to you. Let me explain.
Anorexia is something you are born with. It is a predisposed gene that is genetically within your system from day one. All it looks for to come out, is one tiny negative aspect in your life that it can feed off, and suddenly ‘it’ becomes you.
Anorexia came out in me during my time at Davallia Primary School, where I was so ruthlessly bullied. Things got worse for me once I became Head Girl of the Primary School when I was in the year 7 class of 1993. That was the beginning of the end for me. My whole life turned into a living nightmare.
You may not understand how much bullying can affect children and how it can shape the way they view the world and the people in it. Let me tell you about my experiences.
I spent most of year 5 faking illnesess I didn’t have so that I didn’t have to face a teacher who openly mocked me for making a mistake and decided that calling me a twit in front of the whole class would make me a better student.
I spent year 6 doing the same.
Then came year 7, which was supposed to be my year. I was Head Girl, I was in the dancing team, I was vice captain of my house and was very good at sports in general. That was meant to be my year to shine. Instead it was the beginning of the end for me. I was bullied by my peers parents, the children in both of the year 7 classes and even people that were in my brothers year, 2 years below me. When my mother and I brought this to the attention of the principal, he merely dismissed us with a wave of his hand, saying that I should be the one to set the example and then dismissed the issue. I thought that I was setting a perfect example. If the teachers would have liked me to act how everyone else acted to me, I too would have been spitting on their front doors, throwing eggs at the house, making thousands of prank phone calls, and teased mocked and ridiculed everyone I came across for no apparent reason whatsoever. It was during this time that I succumbed to the voice in my head, telling me that everything would be okay if I weighed a certain amount, looked a certain way and basically that if I faded away, I would be come invisible to those around me. By the age of 12, I was deep into the throws of anorexia and the promises it offered to me. Someone to listen to. A best friend. An ally. A better life.
Already being predisposed to the gene of hypersensitivity and anxiety, bullying was the catalyst that pushed me into it. The fact that the teachers did absolutely nothing about it, when both myself and my mother went to the school explaining the harrassment I was under, absolutely disgusts me. Whatever happened to the schools duty of care to the students while we are on their property?
I feel sick to my stomach every single time I think about what ordeals I had to go through, and through counselling sessions with my mum & a psychiatrist, I have realised that the most painful things I have blocked out completely. Mum remembers them but I can’t because they hurt too much. The fact that the teaching staff were more than happy to ignore what was going on around me makes me even angrier. They would rather push things under the carpet instead of dealing with them head on and maybe trying to sort out a solution.
What exactly, is the point of having an Education Department when it wont even recognise a problem and deal with it?
I am now 24 and am still undergoing intensive treatment to rid me of this horrible disease and finally extinguish the voice I hear in my head, telling me I am not good enough for anyone, and never will be. That I would be better off dead.
I am not writing this to you to get your pity. I am writing this so that you, the Principal of the Primary School that caused me this distress, can realise how cruel and punishing children can be, and the lasting effects it has on people. How would you feel if this were your son or daughter in this situation? I bet you wouldn’t stand for it.
So that is why now, I am begging you to take a serious stand against bullying. Teachers need to be educated more on how to recognise bullying and how to help the child who is going through it. They need to punish those bullies who think they can get away with it. Educating teachers on how to cope in these situations needs to be a fundamental, intensive program, so that teachers are actually able to deal with things, rather than pretend they didn’t happen.
I can tell you that I am still sick because of things that happened to me 14 years ago. I do not want to see any other child have to go through what I did. To suffer the pure hatred, anguish and pain that I was tormented with on a daily basis. I am still trying to get over the loss of myself to my illness today.
I don’t know how long its going to take me to recover from anorexia, but I will beat it. I will not let those bullies have the satisfaction, and this horrible negative mind controlling me for the rest of my life. I do not want to see any other child who is already hypersensitive and anxious to suffer the way that I suffered. That I still suffer from. It has affected my relationships with every single person that I have met. My family has been torn apart, I have nearly killed myself so many times because of refusing to eat, and with that I have lost myself and who I am.
I was a 20 year old girl, going off to live in Edinburgh with her boyfriend and thought that a new life would rid me of this voice I heard but didn’t understand. At that time, I weighed under 40 kilograms and was 5”9. My body was about to pack it in. The strain of this ended a relationship that was so dear to me in the beginning, but ended up in me being physically abused and mentally tormented, which plunged me even deeper into my disorder.
Thanks to the Bronte Foundation in Melbourne, I am starting to regain my life back, one bit at a time. Its going to take a long time but I will do it.
I know this letter wont make a difference to your life, but if I can help just one person who is going through what I did, then I have succeeded. You can call me one of the lucky ones. I am living today to tell my story. Others are not.
Please don’t ignore the harm that bullying can cause. Don’t ignore timid children who are harrassed by other people for no reason.
I was bullied, I believe, purely because of jealousy. Others aren’t and the reasons people are bullied vary far and wide. But regardless of how different each situation is, YOU need to do something about it. Don’t let these people take away another persons life, as they have done mine.

Regards

Erin Macauley

Sliding down the barrel of nowhere

2006-07-20T19:59:00.000+10:00

I can't eat. I thought I was getting back on track but I'm not. I haven't had any snacks this week. Have had breakfast twice. Dinner most nights, except for tonight because I can feel myself getting fatter. Anyone who has been through the living hell of an eating disorder will say that they can literally feel their skin expanding. That is how I feel. I look in the mirror and just think disgusting. Fat. Ugly. Lose weight. I am seeing my counsellor at Bronte tomorrow and once again I will lie to her and say everything is fine. I am okay. But I'm not. I don't know why, I am just not in good head space right now. I am actually excited to have my operation because I know from the other two I have had, that anaesthetic makes me nauseous so I can't eat for a few days afterwards. If only I had some scales in the house, but the minute I started going to the Bronte Foundation the scales were thrown in the bin. They weigh me there, but never tell me what it is. I just don't know what is going on and how to stop it.

KYLIE!

2006-07-19T22:58:00.000+10:00

I have just bought myself two gold class seats to the Kylie Minogue Showgirl Homecoming Tour. I don't think anyone understands how unhealthily obsessed I am with her. I have loved her from the minute she walked onto that Neighbours set as Charlene. Went to my first Kylie concert when I was 10 and absolutely loved it. It was all old school then - like Hand on your Heart etc. I remember her costume had huge hearts on it (well the dress she had on) and I tried to convince a group of girls at my school that we should put on a show for assembly in front of the whole school and dress up like Kylie and mime that song. I lost that one. But two years later, when Beverly Hills 90210 came out and Kelly, Donna & Brenda did that song in the black dresses with silver earrings - I can't remember what it was called now. Anyway the point is, is that I convinced my friends to dress up the same as them and sing that song. OH THIS IS HOW IT WENT - "Its my party and I'll cry if I want too, cry if I want too, you would cry too if it happend to you..."
Anyway, we won that talent show! It was so good at the time but now I look back and laugh and just think you absolute dickhead. So on December 16 I am going to see my idol. Kylie Minogue. Did I also tell you that my uncle lives on the same street in Canterbury as her parents, and they are now friends with them! I know all the insider goss so watch this space...Love you and leave you

I need sleeeeeeeeeeep

2006-07-18T23:14:00.000+10:00

I can't sleep. I don't know why, considering I take valium every night to make me go to sleep, but this week I haven't been able to sleep. Maybe its because my parents are away and I am in cleaning and washing mode. I have cleaned the whole entire kitchen, my bedroom, and now tonight I have done two loads of washing. Just waiting for my clothes to dry so I can hang them up on the clothes horse in the study so they dry for tomorrow! Nothing eventful happened today. I had the temp start who is taking over my job when I am on leave for 6 weeks with my wrist operation. She is a lovely girl but fuck its boring training somone on how to do your job. I just sit there and do nothing because she has picked it up quite fast. She has just moved here from New Zealand and as much as I can't stand her accent, she is a lovely girl and I think we could become friends. We seem to have the same interests etc. Have booked my interview with the American Consulate so as I can get my tourist visa. It is taking 30 days just to get the interview, then I don't know how long it will take before I actually get the visa. I hope the San Fran family don't decide I am taking too long and get someone else. I want to do this more than anything else. My mind is fully made up now. I need out. I need change. I need new people and I need a new environment. Although my main incentive is because of Chris (he knows what I am talking about) that isn't the only reason I am going. I have wanted to do this for so many years and this is the perfect opportunity. Living in California where the weather is good, being in a different country and making different friends. Thats what I need to do at the moment. I feel like I am stuck in a rut. At least from Tuesday I will be off work for 6 weeks and can do nothing. My cousin is coming over from Perth with one of his mates, so we can go to the footy and I can get drunk cos I can't drive! woohoooooo. I love football. Anyway that is all I have to say.
Except I hope my friend Kirril has had her baby (that isn't her name, its my nickname for her)
I have never been so excited for another person in my life and I can't wait for her baby to arrive. Especially because of what she has been through in the past. She will be the best mum. I wish she would adopt me, but I am tainted so she wouldn't even think of it!
Seeya for now.

My Song

2006-07-17T19:36:00.000+10:00

This is my favourite song. Its by Sam Roberts and it is called Uprising Down Under. I have posted the lyrics, and if I knew how to put songs onto here I would have it as the background music. I used it in my project I had to do for Bronte for my eating disorder. It kinda explains my head to me. These are the words. Go and download the song - you won't regret it.

You feel the weight of the world on your shoulder
As every day gets shorter and colder
And hand in hand we walk through a land of fire
The mountains bleed red as the sun gets higher
All the things that you want I'll provide
Till your footprint is swept away by the tideI can wait for a while, I don't mindI can wait for a while, 'cause I got time
I wish it was less of the way it is
I wish it were more of the way it could be
You can put your faith in me for a whileIn the end I hope you're free 'cause I'll be out of style
All the things that you want I'll provide
Till your footprint is swept away by the tideAnd I can wait for a while, I don't mindI can wait for a while, I got time, I got time
Whoever said you can't be saved by a song?
Whoever said that was stringing you alongWe're all afraid to be dead and goneThis will live on, it will live on, it will live on
And all the things that you want I'll provide
Till your footprint is swept away by the tideAnd I can wait for a while, I don't mindI can wait for a while, I got time
And all the things you're looking for, I hope you'll find
Before your footprint is swept away by the tide
I can wait for a while, I don't mindI can wait for a while, 'cause I got time

Monday bloody Monday

2006-07-17T12:54:00.000+10:00

So the weekend is over. Goddamit. It always goes so fast. I must say though, that my dinner party went very well! I got the soft herb cheese into the chicken, wrapped the prosciutto around it and cooked it in the red wine & chicken stock. Made mashed potatoes & cooked tomatoes with balsamic vinegar on them. They were very yummy. Then somehow I stuffed up my internet and couldnt get on for the rest of the night. The guy I mentioned went off with that girl on Friday night rang me over the weekend. He said he was extremely sorry and he didn't know what was going through his mind. Denied the bit about getting a blow job in the toilets and said they got kicked out for another reason. Am I an idiot because I want to see him again? He didnt really have any sort of attachment to me, other than we had kissed before. I just dont know what to do. Someone help me.

Fuck guys

2006-07-15T11:01:00.000+10:00

I hate guys. Do I have a beacon on my head that says "loser"? Met this guy last weekend and thought he was lovely. Met up with him last night and everything was great. That is until he decided to get a head job outside the toilets with this slut that was his best mates ex girlfriend. He got kicked out and so did she. Why do I always pick losers? Why can I not find one person who will stick with me and be with me for who I am. Am I less of a person than everyone else? I certainly feel that way. I just hate it. The worst part is, is that it makes me miss Sam even more because he was such a gentleman and even when we broke up he was good about it and wanted to see me. I was the one that said no because I thought I was being strong. Fuck I hate it. I know I have issues of my own, but seriously, what this guy did was disgusting. Why ask to see me again and call me during the week if that is what you are going to end up doing? What is so inherantly wrong with me that every guy I meet just either a) does what he did, or b) ends the relationship at 4 months. I have four really best guy friends. Nick, Gary, Nathan & Chris. Trouble is, Nick is in Perth so I can't cry on his shoulder, Gary lives in Scotland, Nath is in Brisbane and Chris lives in Peru. I hate myself right now. Here is an old photo of me and Nath. Why can't I meet someone like him. Or any of the before mentioned mates. They are the best guys in the world and any girl would be so fucking lucky to have them. Pity nobody sees that in me. Here is a really old photo of me and Nath but I love it.

And just to quote Eagle Eye Cherry - I'm so tired, of falling in love, finding it easier to fall out.

The weekend is here!

2006-07-14T13:20:00.000+10:00

I am so excited the weekend is almost upon us! Apart from the fact that I am getting my hair cut tonight which I absolutely can't stand, the rest should be great fun. I am venturing into unknown territory on Sunday night when I host a dinner party for my girlfriends. I think I am being very adventurous by trying to cook something in an Italian cook book that I have had for three years and never ever used before. My culinary skills don't really go past microwavable dishes. Even then, if you have a complex microwave (like my uncle & aunty) which also doubles as a griller, PLEASE TELL ME. I almost burnt their brand new house down when I tried to "microwave" a plastic container with food in it, only to find I had turned the griller on and the plastic had melted into the food, onto the little paper bit at the bottom of the microwave and the whole thing was about to catch on fire. So on Sunday, I am cooking Parma wrapped chicken with soft cheese inside. My main problem at the moment is figuring out how the hell I am going to cut a hole in the chicken to get the cheese in there. I asked my dietician if she thinks the butcher would do it for me if I supplied the cheese, and she just looked at me like I was a complete retard before bursting into fits of laughter. Hopefully Kath can help. She can be hole girl. I also don't know what kind of vegetables to serve with this meal. We cant eat cauliflower for reasons I will not go into, so what other vegetables are out there? We are going to the Vic Markets tomorrow to stock up on the ingredients. Pray for me to get this right, otherwise it will be McDonalds.

Just because

2006-07-13T13:15:00.000+10:00

I really don't like this guy that is now working in my office. He has never done anything to me, he just annoys the crap out of me. I dislike him more than I dislike peanut butter. And that is massive because i HATE peanut butter. He kept bugging me all the time to do this crap for him so I had a meeting with my boss about it and now he wont talk to me! woohoo!!! Was at Kaths last night and we were sitting around drinking and then decided to try and break into a cargo container that has been dumped outside an abandoned warehouse opposite her house. It was so fun! I was head torch lady and we took a spanner or a screwdriver (i dont know what the difference is) and tried to get into this container. Only to find it had a big mother of a padlock on it. It was great fun though. We are so random. I love my friends.

I always wondered what kind of dog I would be. Now I found myself in the dog world!

2006-07-11T16:00:00.000+10:00

Get me out of here

2006-07-11T13:01:00.000+10:00

I have had enough. I am beyond the point of hating my job now. Because I work in telecommunications in an all male environment, absolutely no client will take me seriously because I am a girl. I can say one thing to a client and they will abuse me and ask to be put through to my manager, then my manager will say exactly the same thing and they will be happy. I cannot stand it anymore. We are also working in an office with these facilities contractors. Today the girl was crying because she has so much work, so now doesn't have to answer her phones, her emails are diverted to someone else and she is getting someone in to help her every day. What about me?? I am also fucking busy but never get an option of anyone helping me. I just have to wear it. Get treated by shit by clients, if I have an idea to put across to my team nobody takes me seriously and I just get ignored and I also have to do the shittiest most mundane crap in the world. And if something goes wrong its always my fault.
Get me the hell out of here and to San Francisco.

Tales of the weekend

2006-07-09T18:33:00.000+10:00

I had THE BEST weekend I have had in a very long time. Started Friday night. Went to Kaths and we drank beer and watched football. I can't remember if we watched a movie. I forget things easily. Then went to the footy on Saturday at the G to see West Coast beat Hawthorn! My boys are good. Drank more beer and had a hotdog and chips. Then we went out on Brunswick Street and had the best night ever. We started at First Floor, went to Bar Open, then to the Nightcat and back to First Floor. I cant believe I drank for 14 hours straight and a) didnt pass out, b) didnt spew, c) can remember everything and d) GOT LET INTO CLUBS WHEN I WAS PLASTERED. I almost didn't. Apparently I sway a bit. I dont know I am doing it but the bouncers sure do. Now I am at home and have to try and make a card for my mum for her 50th birthday tomorrow. Can you tell that I leave things to the last minute?
And Big Brother - get that fucking headband off Jamie and get Perry the loudmouth bogan OUT OF THE HOUSE.

Meeeep

2006-07-07T13:20:00.000+10:00

I have a serious problem. Credit cards are my downfall. Today, I went to Sportsgirl on my way to work to buy a headband. Thats all. One simple, small headband. I walked out of there with a pair of shoes, two rings, some earrings, a bracelet and a headband. WTF? I was in this store for all of five minutes. Seriously. I need help. NOW guess what I am doing this afternoon. I have been looking for a new car (depends on whether or not I go to the US) I told this guy who is looking at the wholesalers for me that I wanted a Ford Focus or a Holden Astra. So guess what I am test driving this afternoon. A FUCKING AUDI. How do I end up in these situations? If anyone has any advice please tell me because at the moment I have an unhealthy obsession. Beyond that. I need rehab. Stat.

Let me go home

2006-07-05T17:47:00.000+10:00

We pay some ridiculous amount to park at work in the undercover carpark. And someone always blocks me in and wont let me get out until about 6pm.
It pisses the bejeeeezus out of me. I am going to buy a club lock and may god forsake anyone who dares block me in. Not only will your tyres be slashed, but your oh so shiny car will be DENTED MY FRIEND.
You know who i am talking about.

I'm in love with a strict machine

2006-07-04T19:38:00.000+10:00

Let me just say that Goldfrapp are rocking my world at the moment. I have just downloaded all of their albums and am currently burning them (sorry to the record companies) I have also downloaded Arctic Monkeys & everything possible by Frou Frou.
I was bored today because I was sick from work.
Thats all

Some photos

2006-07-03T11:38:00.000+10:00

We had a farewell party on Friday night for 5 people that are leaving our company. You can really see how bung my head is in these!!!!

L-R : my best friend Kath, her boss David & Me

Maidie (she is pregnant so leaving), Lissette, Karen & Me

Sue, Lissette, Me (dont ask what im doing) and Maids

Me & Sheena - terrible photo!!!!

As you can see it was a very boozy and fantastically fun night!!

Damn winter

2006-07-02T16:32:00.000+10:00

I really don't like winter. I am so freezing all the time and now have the flu and feel like crap, and all I can imagine is being somewhere really really hot. I am waiting on an email from a family that live in California about whether they want to take me on as their next au pair! How exciting is that. I can see my friends again. YAY. They have emailed me a bit and said that they live in San Francisco but on weekends I would have my own car and can drive anywhere I want (I think flying to Vegas for a weekend is a definate option here!) I can't say how much I want this job. I need to get out of here. I have had enough of my job and the constant shit that goes along with it. I need a change of scenery. Now that I am starting to recover from my eating problems (although it is only early days) I just want to leave here. Sell my car, get the cash, pack in my job and get my annual leave payout and live in America for one year. I don't have a boyfriend who I need to think about and worry about leaving. My family are spread between Perth & Melbourne. The only people I would miss to the death are my little cousins & my friends. But sometimes maybe you just need to be selfish and think of yourself. I am over it here. USA here I come (I hope)!

Joke of the day

2006-06-29T13:03:00.000+10:00

There was a man with no arms and no legs sitting on the beach.
A gorgeous woman walks past him and feeling sorry for him says "have you ever kissed anyone"
The man replied with a no, so the woman gave him a passionate kiss.
Seconds after she walked off, another gorgeous woman comes up to him and says "have you ever had someone be intimate with you"
The man replied with a no, so the woman goes ahead and does what she does with her hand.
Seconds after she walked off, another gorgeous woman came up to him and said "have you ever been fucked?"
The man thought this was the best day ever, so replied again with a no.
The woman turned around and then said "well you will be soon because the tide is coming in."

You make me love you with a little L

2006-06-28T08:08:00.000+10:00

I appreciate my friends honesty. I will be the first person to admit that when we go out I tend to lean to the side of getting more than slightly hammered, and either a) being cut off from the bar or b) not being let into other pubs/clubs or bars because I am too intoxicated. My best friend deserves a medal for putting up with me. She is the one person who bears the brunt of this because it ruins the night for her because she has to leave early. I admit, that the last month have been very difficult for me and yes, I probably have been drinking to numb myself of the thought that I am not good enough for anyone. But then I think, if I wasn't good enough for anyone, why would I still have this small, amazing bunch of girlfriends who, no matter what I do, are always there for me and will always help me pick up the pieces? I drown my sorrows when I break up with someone because I think that nobody likes me, but in reality, the only people that matter to me are my best girl friends. I have some best male friends but they all live overseas or interstate so its a bit hard to go and see them. Its the same with them - four of them I have known for over 7 years. I have gone through the whole teenagae anxt period with Nathan & Gary, and they both had to put up with me after I moved to Scotland and came back broken hearted and completely burned, but they are always still there for me when it really counts. I am going through a personal crisis at the moment and I know that all I have to do is pick up the phone and call these people and they will be there for me, no matter what I have done. Thats the meaning of a true friend. Here is another photo. I dont know why. Just because. Note beer is in hand (it may as well be glued there)

I'll take that one thanks

2006-06-25T14:48:00.000+10:00

I went window shopping yesterday. I say window shopping as I had no money, but went into quite a few different stores. I dont think I walked out of one of them without saying "thats awesome, I am coming back when I get paid on Friday to buy that"
In Dangerfield there was one shirt that said "Put your fucking collar down"
I am going to purchase that shirt and wear it because I hate those yuppie Toorak boys who walk around in Pink Polo Ralph Lauren shirts with the collars UP. And that is exactly what I would like to yell at every single one of those boys who do that. Maybe I should buy a screen printer and write on the back of it "just because you think you look cool doesnt mean you are"

An epiphany

2006-06-22T13:55:00.000+10:00

I once heard from a friend that the best thing about Big Brother was that it got all the tools off the streets for at least three months, and locked them away in a confined space, far from the general public. I think this is the most brilliant and true thing I have ever heard. After watching the new intruders go in last night - two slappers and one stupid guy who talks like he has a serious speech impediment and doesn't blink - i came to the conclusion that whenever i am feeling down all I need to do is go onto the website, look at the people stuck in that house, and be happy that I am not associated with them. Dero I may be, but I dont think even I could get into the Big Brother house.

Someone who gets it

2006-06-21T15:26:00.000+10:00

I was looking on the internet today, trying to find more research & reading material into my eating disorder. You would think by now that I would know everything there is to know. In a way I do, but I also can't get over the fact that I can be better. I can be thinner. I cannot shake this devil that sits on my shoulder. At the moment, I am the lowest weight I have ever been in the 2 years since I have been going to the Bronte Foundation. I am in my "unsafe" weight range and dropping every week. I am meant to stick to my snack plan but I find it physically impossible to do this. I lie instead and say that I have. They dont tell me what my weight is at the moment, but if I could hazard a guess I would say it is around 48 kilos. And that makes me so happy! I have bones sticking out of places I never knew that bones existed. You can count all my ribs and my sternum protrudes so much it could poke you in the eyes. My Dad told me the other day that my eyes are sinking into my head because I have lost so much weight in my face. Rather than spur me on to make me think I need to do something about it, this actually makes me feel ecstatically happy! No matter how low I want my weight to be, when i lose more and more, the amount drops. The bar keeps getting lower and lower. I came across these song lyrics today which were written by an American singer who has recovered from an eating disorder. This is only part of it but it made so much sense to me.

Life Without EdWords and music written by Jenni Schaefer and Judy Rodman*

I was chasing down the image for so long
Of that perfect girl that I just had to be.
She was never quite the one I saw,
How I let that dreadful mirror torture me.
It was killing me to try to look like her,
The amazing woman who could turn each head.
I was losing so much more than all the weight.
My very heart and soul were left unfed.
I called the monster Ed.

I hate my owner because

2006-06-20T20:09:00.000+10:00

the only reason I am standing like this is because I was promised a schmacko give it to me NOW
and ps....let go of my chin

At least I don't look as stupid as Paris Hiltons rat.

Blah

2006-06-20T15:08:00.000+10:00

Work bores me to death. I was here until half seven last night and will most likely be here until late again tonight because I work with morons. I have decided that today I am not going to do much because I was here so late last night. This made my mind tick over. Does cheese sweat? And if it does, can you eat sweaty cheese? I am a bit skeptical about this. I dont want to eat my cheese & crackers for fear of food poisioning because its been next to my heater all day and has turned into a liquid form, but I am also starving. Its times like these I wish I had someone else to do my thinking for me.

Me Clumsy?? You Decide...

2006-06-19T20:30:00.000+10:00

Ok..this is the story. 4 weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend. I decided that it would be a wonderful idea for me to get totally wasted at 9am in the morning. So I started drinking beer. At 5pm that evening, my friend said to me "LETS GET MACCAS!" Awesome. Nothing better than getting something to eat when your maggotted. She lives in a townhouse with extremely steep, unsturdy concrete stairs leading down to the footpath. I was wearing my gorgeous little ballet flat shoes, and as it had been raining, this created a problem with the issue of grip. Just as my friend said "Dont fall", I face planted down 4 concrete stairs, and slid my head across the concrete. This is me 4 weeks later (very bad photo - I am just trying to give you a glimpse into the bungness of my head)

Now if that red scar on the side doesn't indicate a bung head, then let me show you one more.

I am scarred for life.
Now you decide.

I was concussed for a week

Just call me Mrs Kay

2006-06-17T19:32:00.000+10:00

I have decided that I am going to marry Jay Kay - better known as frontman to the best band in the world, Jamiroquai. I have just downloaded Canned Heat as my ring tone for my phone and also put his photo as both the background and screen saver. Obsessed? Noo...I am in love with my future husband. Ok...maybe obsessed is a better word. When he played at the Myer Music Bowl during the summer of this year, I sat on the ground, in the middle of the road, waiting for his car to come out of the undercover bit. I sat for an hour. Maybe more. I will have this man. Watch this space.

Ho Hum...little bit of underlining of the HO

2006-06-16T15:51:00.000+10:00

I have an obession with the boy that works in the mobile phone shop. So much so that I have organised him to get me a new phone that a) I dont need and b) CANT AFFORD, just so he will walk to my office and give it to me. Ok, so his name is Richard but I can get over that. I can also get over the fact he has a girlfriend. Which hopefully I can change. bwhahahahah. Not really, I wouldnt cut someones lunch. But man he is HOT. I dont even like Samsung phones???? WHAT AM I DOING. I have a perfectly good, working Motorola Razor. Now just because I want to see hot boy i have two phone contracts, two phones AND NO MONEY TO PAY FOR EITHER OF THEM. Ahhh....shit, what can my next excuse be when he drops the phone off? God dammit. Think ahead woman and you wouldnt end up in so much crap!

REALITY BITES

2006-06-13T12:26:00.000+10:00

I have an unhealthy obsession with Big Brother. Acutally, any reality TV show that hits our screens, you can guarantee that I am the number 1 fan. At the moment its Big Brother. What the hell is it with bloody Jamie and those stupid headbands????? You can see his dandruff in the black one he wears. And why does he talk like he is constantly wasted?
Katie - SHUTUP. Your annoying. Nobody wants to hear you scream all the time
Gaelan - You look like an alien

And the band played on....

2006-06-02T14:04:00.000+10:00

I am slowly recovering from an eating disorder. I have battled this illness for 12 years. After seeking treatment through numerous doctors, psychs & whoever else, I am now undergoing treatment at the Bronte Foundation. It was inspired by the battle that Bronte Cullis had with her anorexia, which was documented by channel 9 with Ray Martin. I remember watching that at school in Year 10 and couldn't fathom that I could ever be that sick. I couldn't even bring myself to admit that I too, was suffering from that illness, although not at such a drastic stage. So now here I am, 25 years old and still suffering. I have almost been put in hospital on numerous occasions because no treatment that was being offered to me was successful, so that was the only option that I had. I dodged that bullet. So now here I am, with many people that come across me and say they are my 'friends' saying things like JUST EAT. Its not that F*ckin easy! If it was, do you really think I would be in this situation? NO. I can guarantee you that every single person with an eating disorder doesn't want to be in this postition. We didn't choose this illness. It chose us. And that is what we are trying to get rid off.

VIRGIN BLOG

2006-06-01T16:31:00.000+10:00

Well the first one...
doesnt get much better than this does it